Team America: World Police 2004

In a bold mission to quash terrorist threats worldwide, Team America: World Police, led by the enigmatic Spottswoode (United States government agent), sets its sights on Paris, France. The team, comprising Lisa, a brilliant young psychologist; Carson, her charming love interest; Sarah, an alleged psychic with an air of mystery; Joe, a rugged all-American jock smitten with Sarah; and Chris, a technological wizard with a penchant for martial arts and a deep-seated distrust of actors, converges on the City of Light. With their high-tech arsenal and unparalleled fighting skills, they lay waste to a significant portion of Paris, reducing iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre to rubble.

As the dust settles, Carson proposes to Lisa in a tender moment, but their happiness is short-lived, as a surviving terrorist guns him down. In the aftermath, Spottswoode recruits Gary Johnston (Broadway actor with majors in Theater and World Languages), a seemingly unlikely candidate for the team’s ranks. Unbeknownst to the team, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is secretly arming international terrorists, orchestrating a sinister global attack.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., the team’s supercomputer ally, detects a terrorist gathering in Cairo, Egypt, and Gary successfully infiltrates their ranks, winning over the trust of a terrorist lieutenant despite his laughable disguise. Meanwhile, Lisa and Sarah find themselves drawn to Gary’s charming persona, while Chris harbors a deep-seated dislike for the actor-turned-spy.

Gary is dispatched on a covert mission, where he faces off against terrorists once again, foiling their plans but leaving Cairo in ruins. The team’s actions prompt criticism from the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.), a union of liberal Hollywood actors, including Gary’s idol, Alec Baldwin, who heaps scorn upon him. As the team basks in the glow of their victory, Gary confesses his guilt to Lisa, haunted by memories of a past tragedy where his acting talent inadvertently led to the death of his brother at the hands of wild gorillas. As they share an intimate moment, a group of terrorists launches a devastating attack on the Panama Canal, setting the stage for further global chaos.

As the Film Actors Guild’s ire turns on Team America, Gary is wracked with guilt, his latest thespian triumph having devastating consequences. The team fractures as he abandons ship, leaving his erstwhile comrades to pick up the pieces and face a daunting new reality. With Derkaderkastan identified as the epicenter of terrorism, the original members depart, only to be ambushed and captured by ruthless terrorists and North Korean forces respectively.

Meanwhile, Michael Moore’s infiltration of Team America’s stronghold culminates in a catastrophic act of self-destruction, leaving the team’s equipment in ruins. The enigmatic Kim Jong-Il, meanwhile, vents his frustration at the terrorists’ heinous actions, revealing a depth of despair that belies his typically stoic demeanor.

As Gary succumbs to despair, his newfound affinity for the bottle serves only to further cloud his judgment. A chance encounter with a disheveled drifter, whose unvarnished assessment of humanity’s three dominant archetypes - “dks”, “p*ies”, and “a**holes” - leaves him shaken and vomiting repeatedly for 56 seconds of screen time.

In the shadows, Kim Jong-Il hatches a plan to host an ostentatious peace ceremony, inviting the Film Actors Guild, as well as the world’s most influential leaders. Alec is chosen as the ceremony’s master of ceremonies, oblivious to the impending catastrophe that will soon unfold. Meanwhile, Gary returns to Mount Rushmore, only to find the once-majestic monument reduced to ruin.

As he regains Spottswoode’s trust through a series of…unconventional means, and undergoes a crash course in covert ops, Gary is dispatched to North Korea, where he infiltrates Kim Jong-Il’s lair and frees his captured comrades. The team confronts the Film Actors Guild, leading to a brutal battle that leaves most of its members brutally slain, with Alec emerging as the sole survivor.

In the aftermath, Chris reveals to Gary that his antipathy towards actors stems from a traumatic experience at the tender age of 19, when he was “felt up” by Rumpus Cat and Macavity, held down by Rumpleteazer, and sexually assaulted by Mr. Mistoffelees - an encounter that has left him forever wary of thespians.

As the team finally faces off against the enigmatic Kim Jong-Il, an air of uncertainty hangs heavy over the proceedings. Initially, their efforts fall flat, but then Gary unleashes a stirring oratory performance that echoes the emotional resonance of the drifter’s impassioned plea, leaving Alec (actor name) visibly shaken. However, this momentary lapse in composure proves to be Kim Jong-Il’s downfall, as he is suddenly and brutally dispatched by Lisa with a Pickelhaube - a helmet reminiscent of the German Kaiser’s regalia - impaling him like the insect he ultimately reveals himself to be: an alien cockroach from the planet Gyron. In a stunning turn of events, Kim Jong-Il flees the scene in a diminutive spacecraft, vowing to return and exact revenge, as Gary and Lisa begin to explore the romantic possibilities that have blossomed between them. Meanwhile, the team regroups, their unity and resolve strengthened by their shared experiences, as they prepare to confront the remaining terrorist threats and face whatever dangers may lie ahead.