Wild Wild West 1999

The curtain rises on a dusty Louisiana landscape in 1869, where a desperate fugitive, his body encased in a contraption of magnetic coils, darts through the dense forest like a gazelle pursued by a vengeful predator. The relentless spinning saw blade, its metallic monstrosity emblazoned with the insignia of a tarantula, relentlessly chases him down, severing his head from his torso in a gruesome display of merciless brutality. As the world spins around him, we are privy to the ghastly vision through the eyes of the decapitated man, whose gaze is fixed on another figure emerging from the shadows - a Confederate general clad in imposing regalia, who seizes the saw blade with an air of calculating precision.

Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Morgan, West Virginia, Captain James West (Will Smith) has taken refuge in a half-filled water tower, where he enjoys a romantic interlude with Belle (Garcelle Beauvais). But as the night wears on, his instincts prove eerily prophetic. A small contingent of Confederate soldiers arrives, their presence marked by the ominous rumble of wagons and the nervous whinnying of horses. West’s keen eye has been waiting for this moment, and he notes with a mixture of anticipation and trepidation that these men are under the command of General “Bloodbath” McGrath - the same officer who had earlier retrieved the saw blade now hovering in his mind like a harbinger of doom.

As the horses grow increasingly skittish, the weight of the nitroglycerin-laden wagon begins to take its toll on the rickety water tower. West finds himself tumbling naked into the storehouse where the soldiers are busily loading crates of explosive material. A brief, intense struggle ensues before he recovers his clothes and commandeers the wagon, which has lost its driver in the chaos. As he gazes out upon the saloon known as Fat-Can-Candy’s (or simply Fat-Can’s), West can’t help but notice General McGrath holding court within those walls - a tantalizing prospect that will surely set his pulse racing and his resolve firming for the perils ahead.

As the evening wears on in the rustic saloon, McGrath’s (Ted Levine) attention is captivated by a duo of sultry burlesque performers. Rita Escobar (Salma Hayek), one half of this tantalizing twosome, finds herself relegated to the shadows as Artemis Gordon (Kevin Kline), resplendent in his flamboyant drag getup, takes center stage. Gordon’s soulful rendition of “Sons of the South” proves a siren’s call for McGrath and his cohorts, who are drawn upstairs by the charismatic performer. As they pass through a room where a mysterious package is being tended to with an air of secrecy by McGrath’s men, the group enters an empty bedroom, where McGrath’s own vulnerability is revealed - a trumpet-style hearing aid, a tangible reminder of the trauma he suffered at Chickamauga.

Gordon, ever the master of manipulation, employs his hypnotic belt buckle, adorned with swirling wheels, to bend McGrath’s will. The war-weary leader responds like a loyal hound until the mechanism begins to falter, snapping him out of his trance-like state. Just as McGrath regains his bearings, West bursts through the window, landing a vicious punch that sends the saloon proprietor crashing to the floor.

As West and Gordon engage in a heated exchange over who has jurisdiction to apprehend McGrath, the outlaw seizes the opportunity to strike back, sending both men tumbling through the wall into the adjacent room. McGrath then makes his escape, rejoining his men as they carry their mysterious burden.

Meanwhile, West and Gordon find themselves at odds over authority, while Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) watches with calculating interest from a nearby carriage. His assistant, Miss Lippenrieder (Sofia Eng), reads the lips of those involved, her eyes drinking in every detail. As tensions simmer, Loveless’s patience is rewarded when he releases the nitro-laden wagon, allowing it to roll down the hill and crash into the saloon, unleashing a devastating explosion that rocks the very foundations of the establishment.

As West (actor’s name) arrives at the White House mere days after his encounter with McGrath, he seeks out President Ulysses S. Grant (Gordon in disguise), only to find himself face-to-face with an imposter. Undeterred by the ruse, West reveals Gordon’s deceit and a tense standoff ensues, with West’s revolver pointed at the supposed president as they stand amidst the opulent trappings of the Oval Office. A candid admission from Gordon that he has been masquerading as Grant prompts the real leader to enter the room, revealing the true identity of his guest. With the matter settled, President Grant briefs West and Gordon on a pressing new mission, one that requires their unique skills in tandem.

The president’s intelligence room serves as the backdrop for this briefing, where he presents West and Gordon with a grave situation: the nation’s top scientists in physics, hydraulics, and explosives have been abducted by McGrath. Furthermore, it becomes apparent that West and Gordon have been working on the same case unbeknownst to them. A chilling note accompanies a cake infested with tarantulas, bearing the despot’s ultimatum: surrender the United States government within seven days or face the consequences of their latest technological advancements. With time running out, Grant entrusts West and Gordon with the task of tracking down this enigmatic foe.

As they embark on their perilous journey aboard the specially equipped train, the Wanderer, West and Gordon begin to utilize a unique resource: the retinas of Dr. Thaddeus Morton (Michael Sims), whose gruesome demise at the hands of a giant saw blade has left his eyes containing the last image he beheld - General McGrath. This crucial information leads them to an invitation to a costume ball in New Orleans’ Garden District, cleverly hidden within McGrath’s coat pocket. Upon arrival, West and Gordon engage in a heated debate regarding their approach to infiltrating the high-society event undetected. While West opts for his usual attire and stealthy entry, Gordon chooses to don the guise of a Russian frontiersman, setting the stage for a thrilling adventure in the jazz-infused city.

As the lavish ball unfolds upstairs, West assumes a covert vantage point, observing McGrath from afar. Meanwhile, he expertly deceives Mae Lee East, Dr. Loveless’s personal assistant (Bai Ling), into believing his uniform is mere attire for a costume party. As the festivities officially begin, a colossal papier-mâché representation of Abraham Lincoln makes its grand entrance, only to spectacularly explode in a pyrotechnic display. The aftermath reveals Arliss Loveless emerging from the shadows in a remarkable steam-powered wheelchair, detailing his return after a catastrophic incident involving explosives that left him with irreparable physical damage.

Loveless’s party is a carefully curated gathering of foreign dignitaries who have graciously funded his endeavors. His gaze falls upon West, aware that he was not invited to this exclusive soiree. The two engage in a verbal sparring match replete with veiled racial and derogatory remarks. Loveless also casually mentions that he has had no recent correspondence with General McGrath. Moments later, Loveless takes McGrath aside and instructs him to meet at the remote Malheureux Point on a nearby lake, where he will provide McGrath with a cache of cutting-edge weaponry for his men. West, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation from outside the room, is able to deduce the meeting location.

However, West’s momentary distraction allows Miss East to discover him lurking in the shadows. She attempts to seduce him long enough for a concealed assassin hiding within a mural behind him to strike. West’s quick reflexes allow him to dodge the attack, inadvertently causing the would-be killer to miss his mark and instead claim Miss East’s life. In a swift response, West opens fire on every other mural in the room, dispatching several additional assassins who had been hiding within the artwork.

Meanwhile, in the opulent ballroom, West finds himself entranced by a woman he assumes to be Gordon (in disguise), as they share a romantic waltz. As they dance, West confides that he will be attending the clandestine meeting point revealed to McGrath. The supposed fake breasts she reveals seem too alluring, prompting her to incite the crowd against him. When West reaches out to touch her, Gordon encourages the gathered onlookers to hang him, even providing a makeshift rope for their purposes. In a clever diversion, Gordon slips away into another room of the mansion, where she finds Rita Escobar trapped within a massive cage.

Gordon reveals his true intentions: he is searching for missing scientists. Rita shares that Loveless has them working in his dungeon. Gordon frees her and divulges that the dungeon has been cleared of its captives. As they escape into the night, West attempts to talk his way out of a lynch mob’s wrath. When Gordon and Rita ride by in their wagon, West seizes an opportunity, using the rubber rope (left behind) to launch himself onto the moving vehicle. Rita explains that she is not merely an entertainer but is instead searching for her father, Guillermo Escobar, a scientist who has gone missing.

With his newfound allies, West disengages one of the horses and sets off towards Malheureux Point, driven by a burning desire to uncover the truth behind General McGrath’s disappearance.

As McGrath stands on an imposing ironclad floating serenely on the lake’s glassy surface, he engages in a tense conversation with Loveless and the esteemed foreign dignitaries who have gathered around him. Meanwhile, his loyal entourage has assembled on the lakeshore, awaiting their leader’s return. But before McGrath can rejoin them, a behemoth of an iron tank emerges from the water’s depths, its arsenal blazing with Gatling guns, flamethrowers, and cannons. The monstrous machine swings around in a deadly arc, cutting down every last one of McGrath’s men with ruthless efficiency. As the survivors reel in shock, McGrath accuses Loveless of treachery, but the wheelchair-bound mastermind counters that McGrath and General Lee had betrayed him by surrendering, and that this massacre is merely a test of the devastating technology developed by the kidnapped scientists. With calculated precision, Loveless orders his assistants to fine-tune the weapon’s deadly efficacy, then coldly dispatches McGrath at point-blank range, his body sent tumbling into the lake’s dark waters.

As the dust settles on the lakeshore, West, Gordon, and Rita stumble upon the gruesome scene of McGrath’s slaughtered men. The trio is left to ponder the horror that has unfolded before them, with Gordon and Rita speculating about the monstrous force that could have wrought such destruction. West, however, draws upon a dark tale he’d heard about an armored behemoth that had ravaged the freed slave community of New Liberty in Illinois, leaving no survivors behind. As McGrath’s mortally wounded form somehow makes its way to shore, he implores West to reveal Loveless’s true nature, confessing that it was Loveless who orchestrated the slaughter of his men and the innocent people of New Liberty. With his final breath, McGrath whispers a crucial detail about Loveless’s whereabouts, but fate intervenes before he can share more.

Meanwhile, Rita has been quietly eavesdropping on Loveless’s assistants, piecing together fragments of their conversation about the Louisiana Purchase and Queen Isabella. As she shares this intel with West, Gordon, and Coleman, the engineer nods knowingly, recognizing the mention of “Utah” as a reference to the desert stronghold where Loveless is likely hiding. With Coleman’s expert guidance, they set course for Utah, leaving Rita behind due to the danger that lurks in every shadow. However, she proves resourceful enough to slip aboard the train undetected, her flirtatious charm weaving a spell of distraction around West, Gordon, and Coleman. Despite this risk, they decide to take Rita along for the ride, acknowledging that her presence may prove…enlightening.

As The Wanderer regains consciousness, it’s met with an eerie silence - Loveless has successfully hijacked the train, taking West and Rita as prisoners. With a maniacal grin, Loveless dons the controls of The Wanderer, his hydraulic spider legs eerily silent as he commands the train to follow suit. Meanwhile, West finds himself face-to-face with the cold reality that their own train has been left in shambles, a testament to Loveless’s ruthless determination.

As they’re escorted off the train, West and Gordon are met with a gruesome fate - collars identical to those worn by Dr. Morton, now shackling them within a wire-fenced enclosure, eerily reminiscent of a cornfield. The air is thick with tension as Loveless cackles maniacally, taunting them with his plans to meet at Spider Canyon and Promontory Point, Utah.

But West’s foolhardy attempt to defy the confines of their prison camp sets off a chain reaction - the magnetic collar on his neck activates a nearby machine, which unleashes two gargantuan saw blades. Helpless, they’re forced to flee as the blades relentlessly pursue them, magnetically attracted to the collars around their necks.

A series of misadventures ensues, with West and Gordon dodging the deadly saw blades at every turn. But it’s not until Gordon spots his trusty toolkit floating in the nearby water that he recalls its presence in his pocket all along - a stroke of genius that allows him to disable the magnetic collars and finally break free from their prison camp.

As Gordon (actor name) and West embark on a lengthy trek through Spider Canyon, their journey is punctuated by a series of revelations. While camping under the starry desert sky, Gordon begins to unravel the mysteries of West’s enigmatic past. It transpires that West was once a fugitive slave who found solace among Native American tribes, his experiences forging an unshakeable connection with the harsh yet unforgiving environment. As they sit in silence, a tarantula crawls onto West’s hand, and Gordon learns that it will soon become a pawn in the struggle for survival - its life force to be exploited by a relentless desert wasp seeking to lay eggs within the spider’s carcass. West shares his own personal tale of reunion with his long-lost parents at New Liberty, sparking Gordon’s determination to help him achieve his goal of rescuing Loveless.

As they press on, Gordon carries one of the magnetic collars, intrigued by its potential to unlock hidden secrets. Suddenly, the collar’s powerful magnetism whisks him away to a buried set of railroad tracks, leading them directly to Spider Canyon and the enigmatic Wanderer. As they gaze out upon the canyon below, they behold Loveless’s imposing fortress, its stronghold reinforced by Loveless himself, piloting an 80-foot tall mechanical tarantula fueled by coal and hydraulics. When a seemingly insurmountable barrier of rock columns blocks their path, Loveless unleashes a barrage of fireballs, reducing the obstacles to rubble.

With the Wanderer’s arsenal at their disposal, Gordon and West saddle up on horseback, hell-bent on taking down Loveless. As they gallop towards Promontory Point, where President Grant is set to mark the completion of the First Transcontinental Railroad with a ceremonial spike drive, Loveless demands unconditional surrender from the nation, his “Loveless Alliance” poised to claim dominion over all. Refusing to yield, Grant prompts Loveless to unleash his fire cannon upon the train, destroying it in an instant. Meanwhile, another Grant (Gordon in disguise) appears on the scene, claiming that the real President is an imposter and attempting to dismiss Loveless’s demands.

As West scales one of the tarantula’s legs, Munitia, Loveless’s loyal companion, takes aim and fires upon him, sending him plummeting to the ground. Loveless seizes both Gordons as prisoners, returning them to his fortress stronghold. West awakens later, his life spared thanks to Gordon’s chain-mail vest, which had absorbed the bullet meant for him.

As the imperturbable Loveless stands before a gathering of foreign dignitaries at the imposing fortress, he issues a chilling declaration: the United States will be carved up amongst his confederates, with Spain, Great Britain, Mexico, and France seeing their erstwhile territorial claims to the continent restored. Meanwhile, West (Dollard) returns to the Wanderer, only to discover that it has been systematically disarmed, leaving behind a solitary Derringer pistol cleverly concealed in a belt buckle as its sole remaining armament. Loveless’s cruelty is on full display when he orders Gordon’s execution after Grant refuses to sign the surrender terms. Amidst this atmosphere of tension and despair, an enigmatic exotic dancer, none other than West himself in disguise, sashays onto the scene, flaunting a provocative dress that conceals a deadly flamethrower. As Loveless succumbs to the seductress’s charms, West seizes the opportunity to pass the tiny pistol to Gordon, who then finds himself in a desperate fight for survival. With chaos erupting around him, West makes his escape to his trusty mechanical spider, which he commandeers with President Grant (character name not provided) by his side. In a stunning display of cunning and resourcefulness, West then unleashes an incendiary 8-ball that sets the Loveless’s henchmen ablaze, allowing Rita and her father to make their getaway amidst the ensuing mayhem.

As Gordon and West regroup, their minds sparked by the innovative designs of Da Vinci’s flying machine and the desert wasp’s aerial prowess, they concoct a daring plan to take down the behemoth spider using a mechanical bicycle equipped with makeshift wings. Coleman, claiming to be a U.S. Marshal, supplies them with firebombs crafted from gunpowder, nitroglycerin, and 44-caliber primers. Though their rickety contraption seems ill-fated for success, Gordon’s skillful piloting manages to generate sufficient speed and lift by launching the mechanical bicycle off a cliff. Loveless, once again, extends an olive branch to Grant, but his mechanical spider wreaks havoc on a nearby town when Grant refuses to surrender. Undeterred, Gordon and West soar towards their nemesis, dropping the incendiary devices onto its massive body.

Munitia, armed with a Gatling gun, opens fire, shooting down the duo’s aerial attack and sending them crashing onto the spider’s deck. Loveless’s female entourage then whisk Gordon and West away to their leader, who proposes an alliance in exchange for their allegiance. When West declines, Loveless dispatches him through a trapdoor into the engine room, where he must fend off his henchmen with his bare hands. Defeating them all, West attracts Loveless’s attention, prompting him to descend into the engine room. Loveless reveals his true nature by shedding his wheelchair and donning mechanical spider legs, using them to pummel West and pin him to the floor.

Meanwhile, Gordon disarms and defeats Loveless’s female cohorts on the upper deck before turning his attention to their leader. He fires a small Derringer pistol, striking one of the hydraulic lines that powers Loveless’s mechanical legs, causing him to stumble and fall. As Loveless scrambles back into his wheelchair, he takes aim at West with a double-barreled pistol integrated into his chair. West dodges the shot just in time, allowing it to hit the steam pipes instead. The giant tarantula loses power, toppling over the edge of a cliff and catching on a rock outcropping that halts its fall.

The impact sends Loveless and West tumbling forward, their chain-suspended bodies dangling precariously above a deep canyon. Loveless, goading West for being “yellow” and a “boy,” prompts him to manipulate the lever on his wheelchair, sending them both plummeting towards the abyss. West manages to grab hold of the chain just in time, while Loveless falls to his doom.

As Grant returns to the Promontory Point stronghold, he shares his vision with West (name) and Gordon of establishing a presidential protection unit, dubbed the Secret Service. This elite team will be comprised of seasoned agents One (West) and Two (Gordon), handpicked by Grant for their exceptional skills and unwavering loyalty. Meanwhile, Grant also seizes the opportunity to return the enigmatic Wanderer to Washington, entrusting West with the arduous task of operating Loveless’s intricate spider-like device. In a stunning revelation, Rita confesses that Professor Escobar is not her biological father, but rather her devoted husband - a truth that fundamentally redefines her character and motivations. As tensions build and allegiances are tested, West and Gordon embark on an extraordinary journey, harnessing the power of Loveless’s spider to propel themselves into the very heart of the sun, defying gravity and convention in their quest for answers and adventure.