The Ice Pirates 1984

In the distant reaches of a galaxy where liquid gold is scarce, a daring band of space pirates, led by Jason (Robert Urich), embark on a perilous mission to plunder an imperial cruiser’s cache of precious ice. As they infiltrate the vessel, they stumble upon Princess Karina of Argon (Mary Crosby) in a state of hypnotic slumber, her chambers protected by the Templars’ elite royal guard. Following a fierce battle, Jason kidnaps the princess and commandeers the Imperial cruiser, prompting a frantic pursuit by its forces.

As the pirate ship is captured, Jason orders two trusted crew members, Zeno (Ron Perlman) and Maida (Anjelica Huston), to abandon ship in escape pods mere moments before their vessel falls prey to Imperial might. Meanwhile, Zorn (Jeremy West), the ruthless leader of the Templars, imprisons Jason and his ingenious robotics expert, Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts). En route to the planet Mithra, where the last remaining source of water in the galaxy lies, they learn that their sentence is not only imprisonment but also a gruesome fate: they will be “redesigned,” or castrated, and sold as slaves.

As they arrive on Mithra’s unforgiving terrain, Jason discovers from another prisoner that Princess Karina is the daughter of Count Vasco, an explorer who vanished in his quest for the fabled Seventh World. Killjoy (John Matuszak), a cunning thief with a penchant for deception, whispers to Jason about the Templars’ peculiar reverence for their deity, which spares members of the clergy from this brutal treatment.

Upon entering Mithra’s vast prison complex, Jason and Roscoe are subjected to a dehumanizing process, stripped of their dignity as they’re prepared for castration. It is here that Princess Karina, disguised as one of the prisoners, secretly intervenes on behalf of her captives, sparing them from this despicable fate. Reborn as “furniture” in white wigs and leotards, Jason and Roscoe are sold to the highest bidder, only to be reunited with their savior at a lavish party, where they encounter Killjoy, now masquerading as an android.

As Karina’s plans unfold, she implores Jason to aid her in her escape, leading them on a daring motorcycle ride through the city streets, pursued by the relentless Templars. With Karina’s Nanny (Natalie Core) by their side, they seize control of a warship, setting course for the pirate moon of Zagora, where Karina has pressing matters to attend to. Her determination is matched only by Jason’s growing unease as she demands he arrange a meeting with the enigmatic Lanky Nibs (Robert Symonds), a rebel willing to barter in precious water. As Karina demonstrates her unwavering resolve, Jason reluctantly submits to her will.

As Zorn discloses the shocking truth to the Supreme Commander (John Carradine) on Mithra, a sinister plot unfolds. On board the warship, chaos erupts when a strange creature hatches from a dehydrated egg, striking Roscoe and Jason with an unexpected bite. The ship’s manifest reveals the creature’s true nature: a “space herpe” - a mysterious being that has left them wondering what other secrets lie hidden.

Meanwhile, on Zagora, Karina and Jason reunite with Zeno and Maida, only to discover that Lanky Nibs is hiding in Sweetwater, fifty miles outside of town. Convinced by Frog Lady’s (Marcia Lewis) trustworthiness, they persuade her to take them to Sweetwater in her land cruiser. Upon arrival, Jason is stunned by Lanky Nibs’ aged appearance, and the old pirate reveals that he has spent twenty years trapped in a time warp. He warns Jason of potential danger, hinting that they might have been followed. Notably, Lanky Nibs recognizes Karina and shares a crucial piece of information: her father, Vasco, had discovered the Seventh World at the center of the galaxy but was ambushed by the Templars. The revelation sparks a sense of urgency as Jason learns that if Vasco is still alive, he is being held captive by an exiled royal named Wendon in the Tri System.

As events unfold, a group of ruthless bounty hunters arrives and destroys Frog Lady’s land cruiser, claiming her life. A high-stakes chase ensues, with Jason fighting off the bounty hunters to save his comrades, including the badly wounded Lanky Nibs. Before passing away, Lanky implores Jason to find the Seventh World, setting the stage for their next adventure.

Upon returning to the warship, Jason and his crew set course for the Tri System, driven by their determination to rescue Vasco and uncover the secrets of the mysterious world. Their journey takes them to Wendon’s planet, where they are captured by woman warriors riding unicorns. Trapped in chambers, the pirates learn that Wendon (Bruce Vilanch) is a disembodied head with a robotic body - a shocking revelation that raises more questions than answers.

Roscoe finds himself separated from his comrades and must fight to rescue them. During their captivity, they force Wendon to reveal the location of Vasco’s prison, only to discover that the being claiming to be Vasco is actually an advanced robot. A crucial clue hidden within the robot’s programming leads Karina on a quest to uncover a holographic recording of her father. In this recording, Vasco provides coordinates for the Seventh World, but warns that any deviation from their course will trap them in a time warp forever.

As the journey continues, Jason finds himself drawn to Karina in a moment of intimacy, as they share a romantic encounter in her quarters.

As the Templar battleship intercepts the warship hurtling through the swirling vortex of time, Zorn materializes on the screen, his voice laced with satisfaction as he informs Karina that she has unwittingly led them straight to her father and the fabled Seventh World. The battle-scarred vessel is swiftly captured by the Templar robots, sparking a frenzy of mechanical mayhem as the pirate robots valiantly defend their home. Meanwhile, time’s very fabric begins to unravel, accelerating at an alarming rate as Karina discovers she is expecting a child - a revelation that would normally take weeks, but now unfolds in mere moments.

By the time Zorn arrives at Karina’s quarters, the princess has already given birth to Jason’s son, and the infant, also christened Jason, rapidly grows into a sturdy young lad. As the pirates valiantly hold their own against the Templar guards, time continues its mad dash forward, leaving the humans woefully aged. Nanny, once stalwart and strong, meets her maker as the baby Jason matures into a dashing young man. The pirate crew, meanwhile, finds themselves beset on all sides by the endless horde of templar robots, their beards now gray and wispy.

Just when all hope seems lost for Jason and Roscoe, the young adult Jason bursts onto the scene, wielding a fierce determination that proves more than a match for Zorn’s mechanical minions. As the warship finally emerges from the swirling vortex of time, the crew finds themselves back at the moment when the acceleration began - but not before the Templar battleship, just one degree off course, vanishes into the void, forever lost.

The Seventh World materializes on the horizon, its surface a stunning 75% comprised of vast oceans and shimmering blue waters. The crew erupts in jubilation as they behold their new home planet - Earth itself. Jason, Karina, and the weary pirates celebrate their hard-won victory, but amidst the revelry, they realize that survival on this strange new world will require a means to sustain themselves.