Hawmps! 1976

As Howard Clemmons regales his grandchildren with tales of his storied past, a sense of adventure and camaraderie fills the air. It was 1854, and Clemmons, a young U.S. Cavalry Lieutenant at the time, found himself in the midst of an unconventional experiment. With no seniority to speak of, nor any notable talent or power within the army’s ranks, Clemmons was chosen for his unassuming nature to lead a groundbreaking project utilizing camels as cavalry mounts in the arid southwest United States.

As he recounts arriving at Fort Val Verde, Texas, where Sgt. Uriah Tibbs is eagerly awaiting the arrival of Arabian horses, Clemmons’ narrative takes on a hint of mischief. Tibbs himself had competed fiercely for the privilege of being part of this prestigious project, only to be left wondering why Clemmons remained tight-lipped about the true nature of his “Arabian” mounts. Meanwhile, the fort’s commander, Col. Seymour Hawkins, proves more interested in perfecting his cannon technique than lending an ear to Clemmons’ camel-centric endeavors.

As Clemmons inspects the troops, including Nathaniel R. Higgins, who re-enlisted solely for the chance to ride one of these majestic Arabian horses, it becomes clear that Clemmons is torn between revealing the truth and maintaining the illusion. His hesitation is short-lived, however, as a careless cook’s errant bucket of dishwater douses him, momentarily halting his plans.

Later, as Clemmons and Tibbs convene at the local saloon to discuss their project, they’re confronted by Sgt. Naman Tucker, his ire raised by the fact that his troopers failed to receive the Arabian horses. In a haze of inebriation, Clemmons slips beneath the table, allowing the two sergeants to clash in a fit of fisticuffs.

As the sun rises on a new day, a procession of camels arrives at the fort, but the cavalrymen retreat in dismay, leaving Clemmons to navigate the treacherous terrain of camel wrangling. Hi Jolly, an Arab expert in all things camel, presents himself to Clemmons and together they corral the beasts through the town’s streets, where horses bolt in terror, ladies shriek in fright, dogs yelp with alarm, a wagon tips over, and a barrel bursts open, drenching Col. Hawkins’ daughter Jennifer in sticky molasses. The Colonel himself storms into Clemmons’ quarters, fuming about the destruction and threatening to cancel the entire operation. But Clemmons stands firm, insisting that he has received orders directly from Jefferson Davis, Secretary of War. That night, Jennifer slips into Clemmons’ room, pours a small crock of molasses over his head, and declares them even before inviting him to afternoon tea.

As Hi Jolly begins teaching the first lesson in camel care, Tucker rides up and taunts Tibbs’ men, prompting Clemmons to warn him that any further disrespect will result in being placed on report and transferred into the camel project. Tucker apologizes and rides off, earning cheers from Tibbs’ men. Meanwhile, Clemmons becomes overwhelmed and faints. Over time, the soldiers struggle to master the art of riding camels, but their efforts are met with little success. When they finally do manage to mount the beasts, the animals turn wild, dumping them in the dirt and water troughs. That night, Tucker makes a bet that he cannot lasso a camel, and when he succeeds, the beast runs off in panic, dragging Tucker behind.

As weeks pass, the men begin to master their camels, but Clemmons finds himself entangled in a romantic affair with Jennifer. However, his fortunes take a turn for the worse when he is ordered to capture a Native American renegade. Clemmons and his men set out on a pursuit of the outlaws, only to be thrown off their camels at a river. Hi Jolly later reveals that camels have an inherent fear of water, and had Clemmons dismounted and demonstrated the shallowness of the river, the camels would have crossed without hesitation. That night, Jennifer takes a stroll with Clemmons, who confesses his plans to cancel the camel project are in jeopardy. As he bemoans his perceived failures, Jennifer scolds him for being too timid to fight for his career and stand by his convictions.

As the sun rises over the dusty horizon, Clemmons proposes a daring 300-mile race against Tucker’s horses, an audacious challenge that sets the stage for a tale of unyielding determination. When Hawkins declines the offer, Clemmons resorts to deceit, claiming the camel experiment is a pet project of the President himself. Meanwhile, Hi Jolly’s injuries from a brutal barroom brawl leave him unable to participate in the arduous journey ahead. As tensions simmer, Jennifer bestows upon Clemmons a tome on camels, imbuing him with newfound knowledge and a fleeting spark of romantic connection.

With the sound of cannon fire signaling the start of the race, Tucker’s steeds gallop forward, leaving Clemmons’ camels struggling to keep pace. Yet, within days, Clemmons’ men narrow the gap, fueled by their leader’s unwavering resolve. But just as it seems victory is within grasp, disaster strikes: Tucker and his men fall prey to the cunning outlaw Bad Jack Cutter at Dagger’s Point.

Enraged by this turn of events, Clemmons demands a rescue mission, convinced that no challenge can stand in the way of his unyielding spirit. With Tibbs by his side, they infiltrate Bad Jack’s gang, donning disguises and stealing horses to blend in with the outlaws. As they navigate the treacherous landscape, they stumble upon Tucker and his men imprisoned within a jail cell, their cries for help falling on deaf ears.

Undeterred, Clemmons and Tibbs concoct a daring plan, using a horse to pry open the cell bars. When this approach fails, a mighty camel demolishes the entire structure, freeing the captives. As they make their escape, Tucker’s men leave Clemmons and Tibbs to face the outlaws alone, sparking a chaotic gunfight that sees them overwhelmed by sheer numbers.

Just as all hope seems lost, Clemmons’ men arrive on the scene, riding majestic camels and routing the outlaws in a stunning display of bravery. Yet, amidst this triumph, Clemmons discovers his camel has lost its precious cargo – a vital water barrel, leaving their party parched and desperate for sustenance.

Tibbs advocates for a return to the river, but Clemmons is resolute, convinced that the mountains hold the key to salvation. Two arduous days of riding follow, only to find the promised oasis dry and barren. As tensions boil over, Tibbs urges caution, while Clemmons presses on, driven by an unyielding determination.

In a shocking twist, Clemmons finds water, but his triumph is short-lived as Black Jack ambushes him, exchanging gunfire with the camel as it flees in panic. As night falls, the camel reaches Tibbs and his men, who quench their thirst before realizing their leader has vanished into the darkness.

The next morning, Black Jack awakens to find Clemmons missing – and critically low on ammunition. In a stunning turn of events, the outlaw captures Clemmons, only for him to be saved by the book Jennifer had given him earlier. The tome, tucked away inside his jacket, proved an unlikely shield, halting Bad Jack’s bullet in its tracks and restoring hope to their desperate quest.

As Clemmons’s cavalry troop gallops by Tucker and his weary horsemen outside Dos Rios, the triumphant leader can’t help but revel in their momentous victory. But just as he’s basking in the glow of success, a telegram arrives from Washington D.C., bringing with it a bombshell announcement: Congress has greenlit the construction of the transcontinental railroad, rendering the camel project entirely obsolete. Clemmons is instructed to release the camels into the wild, but Tibbs and his comrades protest vehemently, their concerns centered on the cruel fate that awaits these noble creatures in the harsh American desert. As Clemmons concludes his tale for his rapt grandchildren, his wife Jennifer calls out from within, announcing dinner’s readiness. With a satisfied smile, Clemmons steps outside to ring the dinner triangle, only to be interrupted by Hi Jolly, Higgins and Tibbs, who report that one of the camels is on the verge of giving birth. As the four old men make their way to the barn, Higgins can’t help but lament the tedium that has become his daily routine: “Each day I must walk a mile for a camel,” he laments, his voice heavy with resignation.