Little Man 2006

As Calvin (Marlon Wayans) steps out of his confinement, he’s met with a reality check - or rather, a literal one, as his diminutive stature is starkly revealed for all to see. His trusted accomplice, Percy (Tracy Morgan), aka the wannabe rapper P-Unit, swoops in to whisk Calvin away, their shared goal being to pilfer a glittering diamond from a nearby jewelry store, a prize worth a cool $50,000 apiece. The promise of this payday serves as motivation for Percy’s ambitions to establish his own record studio.

Meanwhile, Darryl (Shawn Wayans) is holding court at an upscale eatery, sharing a laugh with his friend Jimmy (David Alan Grier) about waiting for the right moment to strike. Their banter is interrupted by the arrival of Vanessa (Kerry Washington), whose news has Darryl’s attention. Just as she’s about to share her tidbit, Darryl’s buddy bursts forth, belting out “Gonna Have My Baby” and later, “Celebration”. The sudden outburst sends Darryl scrambling, only for the truth to be revealed: Vanessa is actually celebrating a career advancement, not a prospective parenthood. The revelation leaves Darryl looking puzzled.

As Calvin and Percy make their move on the jewelry store, they employ an unorthodox tactic - Calvin slips inside in a duffel bag. Once inside, Calvin extracts the diamond by employing his ingenuity, sawing a circle beneath the table to free the precious gem. As he re-enters the bag, unaware of an unexpected stowaway: a dog that has snuck its way into the duffel alongside him.

When Percy collects the bag and they make their escape, chaos ensues as a keen-eyed old lady alerts security about her missing canine companion. This distraction allows Calvin to secretly deposit the diamond in a nearby purse, effectively covering his tracks. As they flee on foot from an encircling police detail, Calvin and Percy’s misadventures continue to unfold, with the pair eventually losing their pursuers in a maze of streets.

In a peculiar twist of fate, they find themselves tailing a couple, tracking them back to their home - a move that sets the stage for further mayhem and intrigue.

As they arrive at their humble abode, Darryl’s unspoken desire is finally voiced: he yearns for a tiny human of his own making. This peculiar predicament sparks an innovative plan to disguise Calvin as a newborn and retrieve the coveted diamond. Percy cleverly orchestrates the operation, ringing the doorbell while hiding in the underbrush. The unsuspecting Darryl and Vanessa (played by the lovely) are taken aback when they answer the door, finding what appears to be a vulnerable infant alongside a cryptic note from Percy requesting they assume guardianship of his precious bundle because he is, regrettably, unable.

In a futile attempt to summon child protective services, they discover that the agency is closed for the day. The seemingly innocuous task of changing Calvin’s diaper sends shockwaves through their system. Vanessa’s father (the incomparable John Witherspoon), an astute individual who has taken up residence with them, is the sole voice of reason, sensing something is amiss.

Following a visit to the doctor, they uncover a rather unsettling scar and tattoo, which they attribute to poor parenting. As Calvin expertly pilfers the purse containing the diamond during the commotion, Darryl and Vanessa are left bewildered by their predicament. The couple’s disagreement on how to handle this unexpected situation boils down to whether to keep or abandon this peculiar child.

Meanwhile, Calvin encounters a benevolent police officer outside the examination room, who treats him with the utmost care, as one would a genuine infant. Just before he can investigate the purse further, Vanessa swoops in and seizes it from his grasp. A heartwarming moment ensues when Calvin affectionately addresses her as “Mama,” prompting Vanessa to decide to keep him for the weekend.

In an effort to acclimate themselves to their new “family member,” they invite friends over to meet the baby and borrow essential infant supplies for the weekend. However, this extended stay proves arduous for Calvin, who must endure a series of humiliating experiences, including an excruciating bath time. His expectation is that Vanessa will join him in the tub, only to be left disappointed as Darryl strips naked, leaps into the water, and Vanessa beats a hasty retreat.

It is during this agonizing ordeal that Darryl decides to release a pent-up buildup of flatulence, unleashing a torrent of pungent odors upon Calvin. The poor child is forced to suffer through this torturous bath time, as Darryl’s gaseous emissions are relentless and powerful.

The scene shifts to Percy, who pays a visit to a seedy bar operated by the cunning Walken (played with menace by Chazz Palminteri). This shady establishment has a reputation for being a hub of illicit activity. Walken offers Percy a deal: retrieve the diamond within 24 hours, or risk involving his goons in the matter.

As evening descends upon their humble abode, Darryl and Vanessa’s social circle converges, bringing with them an eclectic mix of acquaintances, including the affable Greg (Lochlyn Munro), the vivacious Brittany (Brittany Daniel), the endearing Richard (Fred Stoller), and the charismatic Janet (Alex Borstein). As they mingle, they take turns attempting to convey the…uniqueness of their latest addition, Calvin. Descriptions range from “National Geographic Beauty” to a series of unflattering comparisons.

Meanwhile, Brittany and Janet retreat to the kitchen, where they become unwitting participants in an impromptu breastfeeding session, courtesy of Calvin’s insatiable curiosity. The little one’s biting antics send Janet fleeing, leaving Brittany to tend to his needs. As their friends depart, Brittany bids Calvin farewell with a tender kiss, which he responds to by sealing the deal with a passionate French kiss.

With their social visitors gone, Vanessa and Darryl settle in for a quiet night at home, tucking Calvin into bed. However, Calvin has other plans. He decides to stay awake, biding his time until the perfect moment to make off with the prized diamond. Alas, his resolve is no match for the lullaby’s soporific effects, and he succumbs to exhaustion.

Later that night, Calvin awakens with a newfound sense of purpose, sneaking downstairs to enlist Percy’s assistance in securing the diamond. But just as he’s about to make his move, Pops bursts into the scene, shotgun at the ready. Darryl intervenes, whisking Calvin away from the tense standoff and attempting to calm him down with a warm glass of milk – which, unbeknownst to them both, has been laced with Janet’s breast milk.

The revelation sends them both spitting out their milk in disgust. As they regroup, Darryl and Vanessa succumb to romantic inclinations, their passion ignited as Calvin watches from the safety of his crib. The next morning, Vanessa awakens to find Darryl by her side, a look of contentment on his face. She remarks that it’s been a while since they’ve enjoyed a night like this – twice in one night, no less! As she speaks, Calvin emerges from beneath the blanket, his presence a gentle reminder of the chaos and laughter that has become their new normal.

As Vanessa busies herself preparing breakfast for Pops and Darryl, her attention is suddenly diverted by Calvin’s fascination with a children’s television program. Meanwhile, Pops descends to the kitchen, where he becomes engrossed in the news broadcast on TV. The anchor’s report is interrupted by a graphic image of Calvin, now identified as the prime suspect in a high-stakes diamond heist - a revelation that prompts Pops to repeatedly exclaim “D-Rex!” Vanessa hastens to adjust the channel, restoring order to the morning routine.

As breakfast approaches, Pops takes his seat at the table, only to have his meal pilfered by Calvin. When Pops finally realizes what’s happening, he accuses Calvin of the deed and leaves for a local diner. Vanessa departs for work shortly thereafter, leaving Darryl to tend to Calvin. The young boy’s boredom is soon alleviated when Darryl begins feeding him, prompting an impromptu game of peek-a-boo. However, Calvin grows weary of the activity and responds by striking Darryl with a frying pan. As Darryl lies unconscious on the floor, Calvin seizes the opportunity to swipe Vanessa’s purse and make off with the stolen diamond.

Later that day, Darryl and Calvin pay a visit to the local park, where they engage in a series of games, each resulting in Darryl taking an unexpected blow to the groin area. As the afternoon wears on, Darryl and his friends decide to indulge in some ice cream, leaving Calvin to the mercy of Brittany and Janet. Meanwhile, Percy arrives on the scene, attempting to pilfer a diaper bag containing the prized diamond. The mothers-in-distress give chase as Percy attempts to make his escape, ultimately meeting a sticky end.

Darryl returns home, only to be met with the news of Percy’s misadventure. As he and Calvin prepare to depart, Calvin becomes fixated on procuring the car keys, resorting to tantrum-like behavior when Darryl refuses to comply. In a moment of exasperation, Darryl relents, handing over the keys. Calvin promptly commandeers the vehicle and speeds off into the night, leaving Darryl in hot pursuit.

In desperation, Darryl flags down Molly Shannon’s mini van driver and begs her to give chase. With reckless abandon, she takes the wheel, weaving through traffic as she tracks down Calvin’s getaway car. The high-speed pursuit finally comes to a close when police arrive to apprehend the suspect - only to discover Calvin in tears, cuffed and contrite, in the backseat of his stolen vehicle.

As Calvin languishes in a state of confinement, Darryl weighs the pros and cons of attending a hockey game, ultimately deciding to share the experience with their captive companion. The trio arrives at the rink, where Calvin takes it upon himself to conceal a valuable gemstone by swallowing it and then washing down the act with a swig of beer pilfered from an unsuspecting fan. As they settle in for the match, the concessionaire makes her rounds, offering refills to the revelers. It is during this encounter that Calvin’s crude comment (“nice ass!”) mistakenly attributed to Darryl, who becomes the unwitting target of the vendor’s ire. The lady pours a beer on Darryl, leading an adjacent fan to believe it was indeed he who uttered the offending remark. This misinterpretation sets off a chain reaction as a visiting player receives a penalty for a minor infraction, prompting him to challenge the crowd and Calvin to respond with a thrown beer that is mistakenly attributed back to Darryl. Enraged, the player descends into the stands, only to be met by Calvin’s furious attack, which culminates in his being tossed to the ground and pummeled by the player.

As Calvin lies battered and bruised in bed, Darryl reflects on his own shortcomings as a father, ultimately deciding to salvage the situation by planning a birthday celebration for their captive companion. Meanwhile, in a separate storyline, Percy arrives at Walken’s doorstep with a diaper bag in tow, only to be met with Walken’s stern warning that any further delays will have severe consequences. As Percy departs, Walken reveals to his cohorts that he suspects treachery from Percy’s partner and orders them to keep a close eye on the duo.

As the birthday celebration reaches its climax, Calvin’s temper gets the better of him, leading him into a heated confrontation with D-Rex (Rob Schneider), who’s wearing a cringe-worthy blue dinosaur suit. The tension builds as Calvin goads D-Rex, ultimately culminating in a shocking display of strength and agility as he tears open the suit’s tail, climbs inside, and begins to pummel his adversary from within. Meanwhile, Darryl intervenes, prying Calvin away from the battered D-Rex and attempting to refocus attention on the football game unfolding before them.

Initially, the opposing team, led by the formidable Greg, seems poised for victory as they dominate the young players. However, Calvin and a fellow youngster decide to up the ante, employing ruthless tactics that ultimately lead to their triumphant comeback. The tables turn when Greg’s son delivers a scathing insult, “Dad, you suck!”, before delivering a devastating kick to his father’s head.

As Darryl attends to the commotion at the door, Percy arrives, claiming to be Calvin’s father and seeking to reunite with his long-lost child. However, Darryl has other plans, taking exception to Percy’s presence and unleashing a fierce beating that convinces the nearby mob goons that he was indeed Percy’s partner in crime, having stolen the precious diamond for himself.

Back at the diner, Pops is glued to the television news, where Calvin is mistakenly identified as the mastermind behind the daring diamond heist. Convinced of Calvin’s guilt, Pops resolves to put a stop to his perceived criminal activities.

Meanwhile, back at the party, Calvin is awarded a birthday cake, but his joy is short-lived as he’s overcome with emotion, revealing that this is his first ever celebration and that he has never known parents. It is then that Pops arrives, bearing a teddy bear and expressing regret for his earlier mistaken judgment.

As Calvin retreats inside, he encounters Janet tenderly administering Castor Oil to her son. Seizing the opportunity, Calvin decides to partake in the dubious treatment, only to find himself under the watchful eyes of Vanessa and Darryl. As Darryl steps away to attend to a diaper change, Vanessa discovers the hidden diamond, mistaking it for a token intended for her own engagement ring. Her misapprehension prompts her to whisk Calvin away for an evening out, leaving Pops and Calvin alone once more.

It is in this intimate setting that Calvin reveals his true nature – a criminal mastermind – before turning on Pops and issuing an ultimatum: Percy must arrive within the hour.

As the evening wore on at the restaurant, Darryl attempted to clarify his intentions with Vanessa, but her sudden revelation that she wanted to adopt Calvin effectively silenced him. The tension was palpable as they returned home, only to be met with a shocking discovery: Pops had Calvin in a chokehold. Vanessa’s distress was immediate and intense, prompting her to summon the authorities from the retirement home, who arrived swiftly to apprehend Pops. As he was being taken away, Pops uttered a cryptic phrase - “The teddy bear knows!” - which would later prove to be a poignant clue. In the aftermath of this chaotic scene, Vanessa tended to Calvin’s needs while Darryl remained in shock, his thoughts consumed by the significance of Pops’ enigmatic statement.

Meanwhile, Percy and his partner were on the move, with the latter sharing Walken’s suspicions that Darryl had betrayed him - a notion that would ultimately put Darryl and Vanessa in grave danger. Calvin, sensing the gravity of the situation, knew he had to act quickly to protect those he cared about. He extricated himself from Percy’s clutches and made his way back to Darryl’s doorstep, where the truth began to unravel.

As the reality of Calvin’s true nature sunk in, a heated confrontation ensued between him and Darryl, with Calvin apologizing profusely for deceiving them. However, their moment of reconciliation was short-lived, as Walken and his henchmen burst into the scene, intent on causing harm. In a thrilling display of martial prowess, Calvin dispatched the goons, before turning his attention to Walken, who continued to taunt Darryl despite being disguised as a baby.

The authorities eventually arrived to apprehend the would-be perpetrators, with Calvin returning the stolen diamond and receiving news that he was eligible for a 100,000-dollar reward. As the dust settled, Darryl and Calvin shared an emotional goodbye, with Calvin confessing a deep affection for his temporary family. The pair decided to drown their sorrows in a nearby bar, but not before catching a glimpse of Pops and Calvin’s doppelganger - Vanessa and Janet’s newborn baby, whose uncanny resemblance to its supposed father left everyone in awe.

In the end credits, as the audience reflected on the twists and turns that had transpired, Pops and Calvin were seen admiring the new addition to their family, with Calvin remarking that the infant bore a striking resemblance to his own father. The camera panned out, leaving viewers pondering the complex web of relationships and the unpredictable nature of life.